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The New Zealand Railways Magazine, Volume 13, Issue 11 (January 1, 1939)

Wit And Humour

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Wit And Humour


It was the final of the local cup tie and feeling ran high among the spectators. One of the home team supporters was continually drawing the referee's attention to infringements of the rules apparently committed by the visitors, but the ref. wasn't having any. Finally, in the middle of the second half, when the noisy spectator had almost made himself speechless with his shouts of “Foul!” a train on the railway about a hundred yards away whistled loudly. “There you are ref.” shouted the man excitedly. “Even the driver saw that one!”

* * *

Candid Confessions—No. 63, Mr. J. Smith.

Which is you favourite railway station?—The one I have never been to.

What is your pet aversion?—People who loll about in corridors.

What is your favourite hobby?—Studying the bye-laws and regulations.

What is your earliest recollection?—Being hidden under the seat by father. (From “Punch.”)

* * *

The Boy Wins!

Just before the train started a boy ran up to the ticket inspector and whispered: “Sir, there's two men on that train without tickets.”

The inspector searched the carriages in vain, and then seeing the informer standing near, enquired: “Where are they?”

“On the engine!” replied the boy, making rapid tracks for the exit.

(From the “Railway Gazette.”)

* * *

Nothing Proceeds Like Recess.

Well-meaning Old Lady: “Do you like to go to school, little boy?”

Small Boy: “Oh, going is all right, and coming back isn't so bad either. It's staying there between times that makes me tired.”

Great Elimination.

Wife (apologetically): “I took the recipe for this cake out of the cookery book.”

Husband (tactfully): “You did quite right, darling. It never should have been put in.”

* * *


“I'm a self-made man.”

“You're lucky. I'm the revised work of a wife and three daughters.”

After the Party: “And what about breakfast, sir?” The Delinquent: “Yes, of course. Bring me a piece of dry toast—say, on Wednesday week.”

After the Party: “And what about breakfast, sir?” The Delinquent: “Yes, of course. Bring me a piece of dry toast—say, on Wednesday week.”

Slight Transposition.

The visitor paid his bill at the fashionable hotel, and as he went out, he noticed a sign near the door, “Have you left anything?”

So he went back and spoke to the manager.

“That sign's wrong,” he said. “It should read, ‘Have you anything left?'”

* * *

Mental Arithmetic.

Mother (trying to give a lesson): “Now dear, what would happen if you broke one of the ten commandments?”

Child: “Then there'd be nine!”

A Real Sport.

Amiable victim (bowled over by accident): “I'm perfectly all right, thank you. I'm not a bit hurt.”

Motorist: “I say you're behaving jolly well about it. It is a real pleasure to knock down a thorough sportsman like you.”

* * *

Concern Over Trifles.

“Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.”

“Well, after all, mister, how much soup can a fly drink?”

* * *

Making It Clear.

A Cockney rang up the station to inquire the fare to Ealing, but the man at the other end of the line couldn't catch the name of the station. In desperation he asked the inquirer to spell it.

The reply came as follows: “E for ‘Erbert', A wot the ‘orses heat, L where yer goes when yer dies, I wot yer sees wiv, N wot lays a heg, G (long pause) gee whizz!”

* * *

Working Overtime.

First Nurse: “It's hopeless!”

Second Nurse: “What is?”

First Nurse: “That glass-blower patient. Every time I try to take his temperature he blows a bubble in the thermometer.”

* * *

Before the Party.

Said Mrs. Browne to her rather flashy new maid: “Mabel, when you wait upon my guests at table to-night, please don't wear any jewellery.”

“I have nothing valuable, mum,” replied the girl, “but thank you all the same.”

* * *


“Ye've worked hard and willingly for me, Pat,” said the farmer to his oldest employee, “and I'm going to give ye that fat pig.”

“May heaven bless ye, sorr,” said Pat. “It's just loike ye!”

Printed by Ferguson & Osborn, Limited, Wellington. Wholesale Distributors: Messrs. Gordon and Gotch (Australasia) Limited, Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch and Dunedin.