Salient: An Organ of Student Opinion at Victoria University Wellington. Vol. 23. No. 1. 1960
Grunda Mist was not a pretty girl; she was, in fact, a rather ugly girl, but she was fascinated by the Arctic, had a good appetite and glowed in the dark. She had one good eyebrow, a very responsive Adam's apple, and on the whole a noticeable anatomy.
She was enrolled at the university in Animal, Vegetable and Mineral Studies, 3S, with the emphasis on the vegetable, and excelled in many different types of athletic activities, the foremost of which was underwater growths. Unfortunately, Grunda had no outlet for her emotions. She had tried her studies, was unsuccessful; she had tried her professor but he was never mare than understanding. All in all, she was very unhappy until that wonderful day when Someone Else was enrolled in her course!
His name was Granite Ford; he was terribly masculine; even the way he blinked was aggressive. He wanted to become a movie star, not because he had any talent, but because he felt he would not have to change his name. Grunda, her latent feminity coming to the fore, fell in love with him the first day she saw him in the Food Chemistry lecture, wearing his black leather jacket with brass studs all over it. Unfortunately his hair was so long he rarely saw her except, on exceptionally windy days, when Grunda opened all the windows in the laboratory, and his hair was blown off his cheeks. They rarely talked, because Granite's vocabulary was limited to three and four-letter words which Grunda could not understand, although she thought they ware very basic, and therefore to be admired, and also because Grunda would get so excited when he did speak to her that she had to terminate the conversation, before it was too late. However, she did manage to write to him, and she did this very often, expressing herself as she had never done before (a thing which was indeed fortunate). She wrote him a series of rhyming couplets, the best of which were as follows:
Oh, Granite Ford, you have my soul in hock;
In minerals, you are my favourite rock!
Oh, Granite, you have torn my heart asunda;
Comb back your hair; take heed of grieving Grunda!
Oh, when I saw you in your jacket, Granite,
I was transported to another planet!
Granite never mentioned these couplets to Grunda, something which upset her considerably. She tried to convince herself that he had been so moved by these displays of affection that he could not fully express his gratitude. However, deep, deep, deep down within her she fell this couldn't be true, and she had to sit through many months of "The Rake's Progress" lectures—which in the less distinguished colleges on campus were known as the "How to Build a Rock Garden" lectures—until she received a startlingly verbose piece of poetry from her love:
Oh, Grunda, you mentioned another planet,
Whither you were transported with your Granite;
If this is true, then tell me to my face
That you will live with me in Outer Space.
Then he went on to say that he had loved her devotedly, ever since he had seen her in her cloth of gold pinafore—would she elope with him? Grunda, overwhelmed with joy, did not hesitate to say yes, and without waiting to complete her course in Animal, Vegetable and Mineral Studies, 3S, she left the university, promising her professor that she would not give up her work entirely, but that from that day on the emphasis would be on the Animal.
Unfortunately for Grunda, Granite had not been telling the truth. He was not really interested in her responsive Adam's apple; indeed, he was really only interested in her money, far she was extremely well-off. One only had to look at her dentures to see this. The old image of "pearly teeth" had never been more true. "Does he love me for my teeth?" thought grisly Grunda; she began to let her appearance go ever more to pot, which was fine for gardening class, but did little to endear her to Granite. Upset, distraught, and looking thoroughly seedy, she decided that she would have to have the whole thing out with Granite, who was becoming very adamant indeed. He told her to her face that the only thing he wanted out, was her teeth. Crushed as she was by Granite, she returned to the university, where she worked with renewed vigour, rarely thinking of her unhappy love affair, although sometimes wishing that Granite had returned the engagement ring she had bought him.
However, she does not regret her experience with Granite Ford. She now realises that the only outlet for an unhappy emotional experience is wrok, something which we alt should consider, as a last resort.